How Barry Bonds’ records will be crushed, as reported by Physorg.com.

“The new muscles simultaneously function as fuel cells and muscles, according to Baughman, corresponding author of the Science article. A catalyst-containing carbon nanotube electrode is used in one described muscle type as a fuel cell electrode to convert chemical energy to electrical energy, as a supercapacitor electrode to store this electrical energy and as a muscle electrode to transform this electrical energy to mechanical energy.”

LINK

LOS ANGELES, April 19 - And the answer is…  

OK, first off, I lost some questions.  Because I’m stupid.  So if you asked me something and the answers aren’t here, please send them again.   

Leading off, Caleb B.

“1.You said Sports was an ok subject to ask you about and if I remember reading somewhere you are a Miami Dolphins fan? (I’ve been a fan since I was little, I’m still recovering from last seasons record) but anyways, I was just wondering that IF Miami keeps the first round draft pick, Who do you think they’ll choose?”   

Yes, Caleb, I do share your affliction.  These days, rooting for the Fins is very much like being saddled with a chronically nauseating, but sadly non-fatal illness.  Irritable Bowl Syndrome, or the like.      Well, obviously, with as many holes as the roster has, the ideal situation would be to trade down.  Doesn’t look like that will be happening, not unless someone gets a big crush on McFadden and must have him.  I read that We’ve actually started negotiations with Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long.  And, while I confess that I’m no draftnik, that sounds like the best choice.  Our line is shit, and has been shit for years. In fact, since Marino’s waning years (pause to genuflect), it has never been better than mediocre.  But mostly shit.  Defense may win championships, but we’ll never know if John Beck is a bust, if Ronnie Brown can get through an entire season without injury, and if Ted Ginn Jr. and his family was the worst first round draft pick ever until we have a line that can create a hole or pass block long enough to keep a play alive while receivers get something resembling open.   

“2. Is that Novel that is being published in Winter ‘09 about the Female character from your contributions in “Expletive Deleted” and “A Hell of A Woman”?”  

Nope.  The Winter ’09 crime novel is titled (wait for it) THE MYSTIC ARTS OF ERASING ALL SIGNS OF DEATH and is about an L.A. slacker who becomes a professional trauma cleaner.   

From Mike B. 

“1. What made you have Hank be an aspiring baseball star? You just live baseball and thought it would be cool, or were you also a baseball player?” 

I love baseball.  I do not play baseball.  Because I am inept.  Hank’s baseball ability is my wish fulfillment fantasy.  His injury is the intrusion of reality. 

“2. Any thoughts on who your dream casting for Joe Pitt or Hank would be for movies based on your books?”            

My perfect Pitt is, and has always been, young Robert Mitchum. I’ve never pictured a Hank, but someone recently suggested Ryan Gosling and, having seen “Half Nelson,” I think that’s a pretty good idea.    

Anne Kimbol asks,   

“I’m not sure if you can answer this question yet, but you mentioned your upcoming projects in the post about asking you questions. Is one of them the one about the trauma scene clean-up person you mentioned during your Houston Shotgun Rule signing?”              

Yes.  Check out my answer to Caleb’s second question above.   

“Also, what boroughs will we see in Every Last Drop?”                         

Joe will be starting in the Bronx, and traveling to Queens.  The garden spots of NYC.  

And Clayton G. Mugge

“So here I go with my questions and potential ramblings…. First…how old were you when you realized that being a writer was your calling?”  

Well, I don’t think I ever had such a realization.  I always enjoyed writing, since I was a kid, but I never really pursued it, as a job or as a calling.  Writing was more of a form of relaxation for me.  Writing professionally was something that I fell into.  And that didn’t happen until I was about 34.    

“I have read in interviews that you’ve done that you were a bartender at some point… Did the experiences of tending bar influence any of your writings?”  

Sure.  Bartending is a great job for people watching.  There are any number of stories, bits of conversation, or specific people I came into contact with in those years that made there way into my books.  The most specific instance is in CAUGHT STEALING.  The physical layout of that bar was based on a bar where I worked, and a few of the regulars in the bar are composits of some of my customers.

“And lastly, where did the idea of Joe Pitt originate, and what kind of moral, if any, were you potentially trying to convey with the “Casebooks”?”  

Pitt started with the first line of ALREADY DEAD, “I smell them before I see them.” everything spawned from that one line.  Joe’s character evolved from the hardboiled tone of that line.  As for moral, there is none.  

Thanks for asking, 

charlie

LOS ANGELES, April 1 – It’s no fucking joke.

Something so horrible, so unwatchable, it’s no fucking joke.

Plain and simple, the San Francisco Giants’ 2008 season has arrived, and there ain’t no punchline.

No wait, yes there is a punchline. 

How much does Barry Zito get paid?

$126 million for seven years!

Haw!  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Choke.  Sob. 

Non-baseball fans, you may leave the room.  Because this is gonna take awhile.  For that matter, baseball fans may want to leave the room. Because, these days, there’s no reason why a self-respecting baseball fan should be interested in the Giants.  I mean, bad is bad, but boring is sooo much worse.

OK, traditional disclaimer first:  I have never played Major League ball.  I have never played in the minors at any level.  Never played in college, high school, or Little League.  I never played fucking t-ball.  I have never played organized ball anywhere ever.  I am about to talk shit about people who know infinitely more about the game than I do.  But it’s my website, and I have the microphone, so plug your ears.

 Yesterday, Opening Day in the MLB, I made this comment in passing: “Must run now, living in LA is forcing me to watch the Giants opening day game on the local Dodgers station.  Which is forcing my mouth to fill with puke.”To which, a reader, and fellow sufferer, responded with the following: “Not to put too fine a point on it, but you hopefully SAVED the puke in your mouth long enough to violently spew it upon watching Zito take the mound yesterday.  If not, then watching the performance would certainly have caused you re-puke, thereby risking serious upchuck injury.  Hopefully you were wise enough to put aside some of the puke for use in the many (manymany) Zito pitching debacles to come.  In order that you don’t go into some kind of puke hemorrhage I’d advise not spending any time contemplating the Giants chances to play competitive baseball this season.” Well, my friend, not to put to fine a point on it, but I haven’t seriously thought about the Giants playing competitive ball for a couple seasons.  And this season will be judged not on the basis of how many wins the team cam amass, but whether or not they can avoid accumulation 100 losses. For the non-baseball inclined, basic wisdom of the game dictates that, out of 162 games, a team will win 50, lose 50, and make or break their season with the remaining 62.  So, losing 100 is widely, and accurately, considered the gold standard when it comes to bed-shitting on the diamond. The Giants should be investing in some new sheets. Zito did indeed take the mound yesterday and, in keeping with his Opening Day history, it never got better than the moment he climbed the mound without falling and breaking his fucking neck. Holding the line for a team that offers what has been all but universally dubbed “the worst lineup in baseball,” Zito promptly shit himself and gave up three runs in the first inning.  Two if them on a homerun to former Giant Jeff Kent.  Now, right there, that name, Giants fans reading that name just spat on the floor to clean the nasty taste out of their mouths.  Giving up a homer to Jeff Kent (spit) these days is comparable to running into the girl you used to love, the one now running around with your most despised enemy, while you are working your new job as the village idiot, and doing something utterly humiliating in front of her.  Something like, I don’t know, like shitting yourself, having it run out your pants leg, slipping in it, falling in it, rolling around in it and having people shoot video of it and put it all over TV. 

It’s the kind of thing that Giants fans find unpleasant. 

More disclosure:  I liked the Zito signing.  It made sense, for the Giants.  They needed to send a message to their fans about the kind of commitment they were making to the future.  They needed to commit to a new emphasis on pitching that would favor their home park.  And, because they suck, they needed to overpay. Done. 

I want to say the jury is still out.  It’s been only one season, after all.  And, yes, he did suck last year.  And, yes, he had a truly awful Spring Training (I know, I was there.  I saw him pitch.  In fact, I got to the park a wee bit late and was taking my seat just as Zito was serving up a grand slam homer in the first inning.  Which, at least, he didn’t do on Opening Day.  So that’s nice.).  And, yes, he looked like a pants-shitting village idiot yesterday.  But maybe he’ll improve.  A man deserves a chance to improve. 

Yes. 

Except. Barry Zito isn’t really the problem, is he? 

Think about that. 

Your embarrassingly bad, $126 mil Opening Day starter is not the problem on your baseball team. 

See, if that’s the case, then that means the team has worse problems.   

Well, they do. A lot of them. 

And now, a word about Peter MacGowan. To the casual baseball fan, Peter MacGowan is little more than one of Barry Bonds’ chief enablers. (A brief word about Barry Bonds: I don’t give a fuck!  the boat anchor is no longer a Giant and I couldn’t be happier.  It’s not his fucking fault that they hung onto him too, long, not his fault the organization embarrassed itself by acting like nothing was going on all those years.  Not his fault they mortgaged the future to surround him with overpaid, borderline veteran talent to stay “competitive”.  The only things that were Bonds’ fault were behaving like an ass and all that other shit I’m pretty sure he did, but would like to stay with “innocent until proven guilty” on because I think we all deserve that even if we kind of suck.)  But, to a Giants fan, MacGowan is much more. He is a savior. No shit. This guy, and the investor group he put together, he is why the Giants still play in SF.  Not that long ago, about fifteen years, the Giants were on their way to Florida.  Signed, sealed and delivered.  Until MLB stepped in a said that if an 11^th hour offer that matched the Florida offer AND kept the Giants in San Francisco was put together, then current Giants ownership would have to accept it. Enter MacGowan. Seriously no shit. He kept the Giants in SF. 

And, when the City by the Bay said they would not be footing the bill for any new ballpark, he put together a deal for the club and corporate sponsors to finance construction of what is now considered far and away one of the absolute best parks in the game.   

I love that. I love that my team plays in a park that was not paid for with taxpayer dollars.  I love that that particular brand of scumbaggery whereby a city throws cash at a team of millionaires in order to assist in shoveling further millions into their millionaire pants to use for the wiping of bed-shitting pitcher’s asses, is not a part of my team’s park. 

Anyway, thanks, Pete. 

Now fuck off. 

When I look at an Opening Day roster with names like Ray Durham and Rich Aurilla and Dave Roberts and Bengie Molina and Randy Winn and Jose Castillo and Brian Bocock, I just want to knock on the door of Peter MacGowan’s office, go in, pull down my pants, shit on his desk, and ask him how he likes it.   Because that’s what I feel like is being offer to me. 

Now them, nothing against any of the gentlemen listed above.  Those are some hard working players, most of whom have had very good careers, but they are not what I was promised.  What I was promised, post-Bonds, was youth and vitality.   

The young guy in that group, it’s Brian Bocock.  Plays shortstop.  He’s filling in for Omar Vizquel, who is on the DL.  Plays some good defense.  But has NEVER PLAYED ABOVE SINGLE A BALL BEFORE FUCKING YESTERDAY!!!  What I’m implying here, is that the Giants farm system sucks so hard, that the best option they had to replace their injured starting short stop is a guy who NEVER PLAYED ABOVE SINGLE A BALL BEFORE FUCKING YESTERDAY!!!   So, they kind of had to play him.  Which explains how someone under 50 snuck onto the field on opening day.   

See, as much as the Giants want to get younger, they don’t have too many options.  What they have is raw, very raw, potential.  And not very highly rated potential.   

Fred Lewis, a young man with five-tool physicality, played basketball through most of college.  He flubs basic play after basic play in the field.  All he does is, you know, get on base.  Which, I believe, helps win games.  Rajai Davis doesn’t hit much, but has hellacious game and speed and plays surreal defense.  Eugenio Velez can’t field a single position on the diamond, but swung the best bat in spring camp, and makes Davis look slooow.  Dan Ortmeier, coming into camp, was the only kid with a lock on a position, first base.  Yet, there was Rich Aurilla (One of my all time favorite Giants and a guy I love having back on the team but a man who really needs to be filling a need-hole on a better team.) standing on first sack.  Why?  Because Ortmeier had a bad spring with the bat.  OK, well who the fuck had a good spring with the bat on this team?   

I won’t even start on the tragedy that is what happened with Kevin Frandsen. 

And the less said about what’s going on in the bullpen, the better. 

Starting pitching, yes, we have reason to hope. 

Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum are two of the most promising young arms in the game.  And Zito might regain his old form.  And under-appreciated Noah Lowry might not get injured or worn out late in the season again (when he gets off the DL).  And Kevin Correia’s strong showing at the end of last season might not have been a fluke.  And Jonathan Sanchez may harness his live arm and develop some control. 

And that staff, that staff, with luck, might produce one 12 game winner.  

Because the bats are awful. 

Which brings me, finally, to my point, PLAY THE FUCKING KIDS!!! 

We are going to lose close to, or more than, 100 games, so why not make it 110? 

See, this bus ain’t turning around quick. 

Not only does the team suck, but they suck in a division that has quickly become the best and most competitive in baseball.  The hole that management (Yes, I mean you Brian Sabean.  A roster like this doesn’t happen just because ownership is sucking the last few dollars out of Barry Bonds and they won’t let you rebuild the way you want to.  You’ve made some shitty fucking player evaluations the last several years.  Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.  When I’m done in MacGowan’s office I’m coming over to shit on your desk, too.)  and ownership dug is deep and dark and will take years to emerge from. 

SO PLAY THE FUCKING KIDS!!! 

In order for this turnabout to happen, we have to know if any of these un-touted position players has a future.  And the only way to find out it to play them.  Now, and as often as possible. 

Do guys like Roberts and Aurilla and Durham deserve to be riding the pine and waiting for some punk to pull up lame so they can go in?  No.  But no one twisted their arms when SF offered to overpay for their services.  They could be on winning teams right now.  Too bad.   

PLAY THE FUCKING KIDS!!! 

Vizquel may or may not come back the same wizard at short following knee surgery.  If he does, of course you leave him in.  Molina’s backup is Steve Holm, a career minor leaguer who has never played above AA, so of course you play Bengie.  Randy Winn has a habit of playing solid D and of hitting .300, so you play him. 

But Jose fucking Castillo at third?  Is that some kind of fucking joke?  The Pirates cut him. 

Put Velez in.  Let him rack up three errors a game.  Maybe by the start of next season he’ll be able to field the fucking bag. 

Oh, and you play Aaron Rowand.  Pretty good player, best known for shattering his nose by chasing a ball into the centerfield wall in Philly.  He came to the Giants because he thought they were in a good position to win.  But $60 mil over five years will cloud your judgment that way.   

Is that everything? No, it’s not. But I’m tired now. 

And I need to save some rage for tonight’s game two. 

Not to mention game three tomorrow night, when I will actually be at Dodge Stadium to watch in person.  Thus allowing me, if I catch sight of either of them, a shot at shitting in front of Peter MacGowan and Brian Sabean. 

Defecating, 

charlie

LOS ANGELES, March 31 - It’s not that I don’t care what you have to say.

It’s just that I’d rather read it in an email.

That’s why the comments option is turned off on this site. 

Most of the time.

However, during the ongoing rennovation I left them on.  And some people left comments.  Most of these were quite innocuous, some were scumbags leaving links to sites that will help one to grow a larger penis and such.

I deleted all of them.

Sorry about that.

Nothing against larger penises, or anything else anyone may have had to say, but it’s the time thing.  In order to cull the dick enlargeners, I need to review all comments and decide which are cool for the site and moderate any conversations/debates that might crop up and so forth.

No thanks.

Again, I’m always happy to get an email, and do my best to respond.  Just don’t care to moderate a forum.

Anyone wishing to launch a forum of their own on which things pulpnoir are discussed has my blessing, but not my endorcement or promise of participation.  Just, you know, a general wish that you have a good time and play nice.

As for what’s going on here, I’m still moving research files to the site.  The latest batch are mostly concerned with disease and genetics.  Joe Pitt readers may find a few things that tip off where I get my ideas about the Vyrus.

Must run now, living in LA is forcing me to watch the Giants opening day game on the local Dodgers station.  Which is forcing my mouth to fill with puke.

Expectorating,

charlie