LOS ANGELES, January 30 – I am, on occasion, deeply confused.

Granted, those occasions are frequent. Frequent enough that one might describe them as serial. That being the case it might be more accurate for me to say of myself that I am, on occasion, clear minded. But it lacks the same ring.

This cloud of serial confusion, sends me, betimes, against clearer and better judgment, to indulge in one of the published writer’s minor sins of the 21st century. That is to say, I take a look at my Amazon rankings.

Pointless is too small a word. Mississippi is too small a word. Supercalifragilisticespialadocious (for which there is no spellcheck so please remain out of my ass) is too small a word to describe how utterly without meaning these rankings are.

But, still, I take a peek from time to time.

And I’ve noticed something odd. I’ve noticed that Amazon is pairing books and selling the pairs at a discount. So, if you buy one of my books, for instance, bundled with an Amazon suggested title, you can save a few bucks.

Delightful notion.

Who, after all, doesn’t like to save a couple bucks?

But there is something odd about this, nonetheless. Wherein this oddness?

Observe the following team-ups:

CAUGHT STEALING and THE HOUSE OF THE SPIRITS
SIX BAD THINGS and DRUMS OF AUTUMN
A DANGEROUS MAN and THE RAZOR’S EDGE
ALREADY DEAD and POSSESION: A ROMANCE
NO DOMINION and A DANGEROUS MAN (ignore this one, doesn’t fit the profile)

Now, can the class tell me what is bizarre about these pairings?

Could it be that THE HOUSE OF THE SPIRITS is not a grotesque horror story about innocent junkies being rent limb from limb by malignant poltergeists, but is, rather, Isabel Allende’s epic about multiple generations of a Chilean family in times of revolution?

Could it be that DRUMS OF AUTUMN is not a blood soaked noir that involves the consequences of Native American massacre years past, but is, in fact, the fifth in Diana Gabaldon’s series of best selling Civil War romances?

Could it be that THE RAZOR’S EDGE is not the gory source material for a classic slasher flick, but is actually W. Somerset Maugham’s classic of post WWI alienation and enlightenment?

Could it be that POSSESSION: A ROMANCE is not a vicious campfire ghost story about vengeance wreaked by spirits of thwarted lovers, but is, at last, A.S. Byatt’s Booker Prize winning, time tripping satire of academe, and heartfelt love?

Could it be that someone at Amazon is profoundly high?

I mean, one of my books, any one of them, has more drug use, spilled blood and gratuitous use of the word fuck than all of these combined.

Now, first and foremost, I’ve no beef with any of these books, or their authors, or, for that matter, Amazon (a comany that has been very good to me, frankly). And, after all, that is some damn decent company to be kept in (understatement intended). When I first saw one of these pairings I was both rather flattered, and rather intrigued by the approach Amazon was taking.

Hmm, interesting, the way they’re pairing books that have nothing in common in an attempt to cross pollinate reading audiences. Not sure if it will work, but I like the concept.

Indeed, right up to the moment I started drafting this entry, that was my take on the whole thing.

Rather clever. Utterly misguided, but rather clever.

Until…

Until I took a moment to follow a few links and see what kinds of pairings other crime writers were getting. How entertaining, thought I, to see who Ken Bruen or Michael Connelly or Robert Crais or Lee Child or Harlan Coben are being paired with.

I played a game with myself.

Ken Bruen and Charles Dickens
Michael Connelly and Gabrial Garcia Marques
Robert Crais and James joyce
Lee Child and Ursula K. LeGuin
Harlan Coben and John Kennedy Toole

Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that I was zero for all in my predictions.

Know who these, and every other crime writer I took a look at, are being paired with at a discount?

THEMFUCKINGSELVES!!!

DUH!

Much in the manner that my own NO DOMINION had been paired with my own A DANGEROUS MAN (which is itself oddly paired with THE RAZOR’S EDGE) the bulk of crime writers, and pretty much all writers listed on Amazon, have their titles paired for a discount with another of their own works, or with the works of a distinctly sympathetic writer. Any of the crime writers above, for instance, might be paired with any of the others.

Well, it still tickles me to be in the odd company I’ve been shuffled into. And I won’t deny a certain evil pleasure in imagining the reaction of a big Byatt fan cracking open ALREAY DEAD and reading about zombie brain eating in the first ten pages. And I certainly think the writers that have been lumped with me have far greater cause for concern than I. Seriously, if I was Isabel Allende I wouldn’t want anything to do with my ass being anywhere near my fucking books.

But come the fuck on.

Someone on the site management team is clearly smoking copious amounts of what we once referred to, quaintly, as grass. That, or they have a high brow Monty Pythonish sense of humor. That, or they hate me. That, or they hate A.S. Byatt et al.

This said, it cheers me a little, this bit of oddness. The moment of shine I had when I saw one of my books side by side with one of Maughm’s, that was special. The passing thought that maybe there was some synergy between POSSESTION and ALREADY DEAD, something in Joe Pitt’s love for a dying girl, something about the…

Yeah, I know, nevermind.

Sigh.

Getting my laughs where I find them,

Charlie

The Tour from the Crypt

The NO DOMINON Tour officially ended today. But it will not DIE!!!

I will be making one final stop on the tour at the NEW YORK COMIC CON. I’ll be there the afternoon of Saturday, February 24th. I don’t have a confirmed time as yet, but I’ll post it as soon as possible.

So, now that the tour is officially undead, it’s time to have the official NO DOMINION release party!

It make no sense ending the tour with the release, I know, just the way I like to do things. Come to the party, you are invited.

The NO DOMINION release party:
Sunday February 11th @ 7pm
Secret Headquarters
3817 West Sunset Blvd. in LA, CA
Reading, signing, trivia and Hamms the beer refreshing!
Cocktails to follow at the 4100 Bar.

Links Also Like to Come Out of the Crypt

The links, the links, where do they come from, the links of dooooom?

THUGLIT issue 2. The title tells the tale.

The Dragonpage COVER TO COVER interview with meeeeeeeeee. (hint: the play button is at the bottom of the synopsis)

What superhero are you? The SUPERHERO TEST will tell all.

I haven’t seen a single issue of OUT OF THE GUTTER, and I already love it.